AFTER!!!!!!!!!

After all that sadness and all that change I finally smile every day!!!  We all deal with grief differently in our own insides of brain workings. 

And it is sold!  This is great.  $$  So happy ever after.

forever change

something happened that will never allow me to be the same again.  everything is now different. 

I wish that day never happened.

Post death post

So, this might be my first normal post-death post.  In reviewing the past few months it is quite a rather impressive change.

First there was hurt. Then there was pain. And more pain.  Pain.  The reality squeezed into my life.

You are there, but in a different.  Not like I thought.  You are only a memory.

its time to move on

I might not be around much longer, its time to move on for good since your gone now.

 

The Worst Parts of Me

The Worst Parts Of Me

Im a little out of tune
Im havin trouble inside
Cant explain the chayos 
that I feel tonight
Everythings a mess
I can barely breathe
And your wonderin wonderin 
When I stopped bein me
I couldnt tell you the truth
I couldnt lie to you 

Im a little out of control
I swear Its not my fault
I try and I try 
But nothin seems to work
Gotta break me down
Gotta take away this diesese
Its like im addicted 
To the worst parts of me

And inside I am filled to the brim
No one can see how hurt I am 
So confused by all these things
So abused by my own creating
Somethings wrong inside my head 
and I feel, I feel, almost dead.

Ready to move

Tonight is moving night.  DANCE LESSONS.

Trying something I would normally never do.  Ever. 

second chances

The cycling of ups and downs, and ups and downs.  Does anyone deserve a second chance?  Are there an exception to when you should allow someone to treat you with poorest of intentions.

For weighing those thoughts, I do now give this:

Our thoughts can weigh heavily on the intentions of others. Their actions sometimes hide the true intent inside. It is this that bewilders the soul, and causes heartache where heartache is not due. We can wrap ourselves in thoughts of rejection and embarrassment only to overshadow the true beauty of it all.

The heartache is there for a reason. The love may be brief but it is still that wondrous emotion that can set the heart alight. Embrace this every chance you get. Live carefree for those few moments and know that you have grown from this experience. Whether it amounts to a lifetime of happiness or just a few fleeting moments.

Give in to this feeling, and sow it everywhere you go. It is in this that we unlock the eternal gates and flock to the forefront of compassion. For it is in compassion that true happiness resides. 

one more

One more week to go and I am thrilled in depth.  Can't wait. 

Today's Haiku:

Fresh in my blank mind
Hurt that you caused me to have
So to pull away

Should I move????

Yesterday I was contacted by someone who wants this blog.  I guess we share a name although not countries.  Maybe it means more to her than me.  Maybe I need to morph into a new blog.

Oh yes, for my friends back home, my newest tat

For all my friends at home, here is the latest from a few months back.  I am working on my next by the years end.  Going to be grandiose!

Electric Forest Festival

With a name like Electric Forest Festival, we need to attend such a celebration.  Count me in.

new car for me and so excited

Really been thinking about a new car, since this one still holds on old memories attached... it is time to move on and start everything completely and totally brand new.  And I drove out a few new models recently, ok the new car models are sweet and much more reasonable.  I can rid myself of the car and replace for new.  I can then go to new places with my new ride.  So excited.  (Mostly physically the tangible ideal attached to him, but more so for my detachment from him.)  My head is almost healed from his loss.

But now, it is time to drive one more and hopes to make a new decision this next week. 

NEW.  IT's TIME.  I'M READY.  FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

Fun times with family

Fun times with my family this weekend.  My mind is getting better and I am feeling better now.  Every day getting better and better.  I didn't put much thought into how this blog with create itself and really it is helping recreate me.  It is working so much more improved now and really doing much better.  Healthy mind is a healthy body.

Today's haiku

Lost, lonely and scared.
Path ahead is looking bright
New birth is coming.

new home

New home without you.  Wowser it was so much easier with you.  I've been trying not to write about you in the J, but as I look for a new home.  I feel the pain. 

Stop dwelling on how great I had it, and how lonely I am.  FOCUS ON THE GOODNESS.

nutrition solutions

snails this morning

I came about a few snails this morning outside.  Small and slimy, but able to lift 10 times their body weight and nocturnal.  My mom was with, and although she wasn't a truly impressed with the slimy nature of the hermaphrodites, she was impressed their winter survival.

Truly the sign of a good day! 

Dinner with my mom

I miss having dinner with my mom as a child.  Such an innocent memory for me.  Today's haiku is for my mom.  I miss her and can't wait to see her.

Upon rise you gave
Throughout day you smiled and praised
On eve you had warmth

Love you mom for making me be the best.  I crave the day I get to be a mother like you.

self description

Thanks Jeremy for the message below.  I am working on my own personal description.  I want to change it and jump into a new path for life....muchas gracias, que el mundo se levantarán de conocerte.


My short self description of my own personality is: it is in my nature to love, to live, to learn, to grow, to help others, to heal, to teach, to explore, to be fascinated with the unknown, to seek compassion for justice, to love good food, to travel, to see the greatness in everyone, to find beauty in anything, to be intense and passionate with life itself.
* I am loved because I love. I am greatness no better or worse then any one else. I am brilliant with divine genius within me. I stand with integrity, and I have good ethics.
* I am peaceful, understanding, trusting, and comforting. I have a good sense of humor, I am a tripper tripping out on weirdness weirder then the weirdest weirdness that is weird – I am deep.
* I love variety, I am passionate, growth oriented, I love to create and manifest,
* I am a participating student of practicing unconditional love, a man on a mission defining his path.

chances by Anne Guzman

Sometimes you have to take a chance.  A jump.  A leap of faith.  In order to move on.  Sometimes you have to leave someone behind, even if it hurts, so you can move on.

I have been lost since you died.  I have tried to move.  But even when I go all in for a new endeavor, I return back to this same lost state.  I hate that you left.  I wish you never would have died.  I hate being without you.  So here is my good better letter.  My Doctor thought this might help me.

TO: MY BELOVED
FROM: ANNE GUZMAN

I wasn't prepared to be without you.  You were taken from me in a blink, and that only makes me think I took you for granted.  I am reminded of you so frequently.  I still stare at our pictures and your belongings which occupy this space.  But you see, I am unhealthy.  My mind is a mess, and my body is worse.  So today, I am going to try to say good bye again.  For me this time.

I will never forget what we shared. 

Good bye.


nutrition cycling

Snow day!

Snow Day - one of my favorite poems (and my mom's too.)  This should brighten anyone's day!

Snow Day

By Billy Collins b. 1941 Billy Collins

Today we woke up to a revolution of snow,   

its white flag waving over everything,

the landscape vanished,

not a single mouse to punctuate the blankness,   

and beyond these windows

the government buildings smothered,

schools and libraries buried, the post office lost   

under the noiseless drift,

the paths of trains softly blocked,

the world fallen under this falling.

In a while, I will put on some boots

and step out like someone walking in water,   

and the dog will porpoise through the drifts,   

and I will shake a laden branch

sending a cold shower down on us both.

But for now I am a willing prisoner in this house,   

a sympathizer with the anarchic cause of snow.   

I will make a pot of tea

and listen to the plastic radio on the counter,   

as glad as anyone to hear the news

that the Kiddie Corner School is closed,   

the Ding-Dong School, closed.

the All Aboard Children’s School, closed,   

the Hi-Ho Nursery School, closed,

along with—some will be delighted to hear—

the Toadstool School, the Little School,

Little Sparrows Nursery School,

Little Stars Pre-School, Peas-and-Carrots Day School   

the Tom Thumb Child Center, all closed,

and—clap your hands—the Peanuts Play School.

So this is where the children hide all day,

These are the nests where they letter and draw,   

where they put on their bright miniature jackets,   

all darting and climbing and sliding,

all but the few girls whispering by the fence.

And now I am listening hard

in the grandiose silence of the snow,

trying to hear what those three girls are plotting,   

what riot is afoot,

which small queen is about to be brought down.

Rainbows

Things are great amidst this full blown winter craze cycle.  I see light at the end of the tunnel and it is surrounded with rainbows far and wide.  Although I am still saddened by my loss.  I feel the whole body encompassed need to get myself healthy again.  Original mission.  Get myself healthier so I can become a member.  I will strive to make myself safe and healthy.  Move on from the deep sadness from losing you.  Get healthy.  MOVE FORWARD ANNE!!!!  NO MORE STEPS BACK.

Oh, Rainbow

(sing this to the tune of "Oh, Christmas Tree")

Oh, rainbow, oh, rainbow,
How lovely are your colours.
Oh, rainbow, oh, rainbow,
How lovely are your colours.
Purple, red and orange, too,
Yellow, green and blue so true.
Oh, rainbow, oh, rainbow,
How lovely are your colours.

Cloudy day out

It's a cloudy day out my door.  I need to learn something today to make me smarter and lose the memory of bitter coldness.  So what are the types of clouds?
 
CUMULUS CLOUDS are white and fluffy. They look like large puffs of cotton.  Cumulus clouds form mostly on warm summer days and usually mean the weather will be fair. In hot weather, a cumulus cloud may grow extra big and turn dark. It becomes a thunderhead.

STRATUS CLOUDS are low in the sky.  They spread over a large area like a giant gray blanket.  Stratus clouds are rain clouds.

CIRRUS CLOUDS are streaky. They look like thin feathers.Cirrus clouds are very high in the sky where it is very cold. They are made up of tiny ice crystals. Cirrus clouds tell us that it may rain or snow within a day or two.

haircut

New do.  New day.  Wildly fanatic about this new haircut.
So today is the day. Mark this day.
I am going to find a new love.  Dramatic-drastically change.   Cut cut.  Move move. 
Walking to positivity in the moon with a found new tune above. 

nutrition cycling

bouncing and change

The loss is hard and the gain is hard.  Plus my life is really messed up because I bounced all over the place, from here to there, and back, that I am no longer solid anywhere.  How do I restart? 

I first named this reflections to help me get through this learning change, now I think I need to rename.  Maybe I should be a reflection of my life.  Maybe now it should be proactive change.

And jeepers, three full days now.  Need a consistent theme.  Better name than Reflections by Anne Guzman.  Well, my name isn't changing so a new description vocab word.  And maybe I need a new theme.  Over death and depression are exhausting.  Health, love, nutrition, travel, wealth, and prosperity for my overall life is better. 

I love travelling through train. Meeting various types of interesting and unique people during a train journey is a big source of internal pleasure and external entertainment to the people. Like many people I have fascination for making memories a journal through train. I am very fond of train journeys because traveling in trains makes me feel pleasant & enjoyable. I was eagerly waiting for an opportunity to travel in train somewhere as I was wanted to experience something good after hectic life. 

So much snow this year. I think it is a sign.  A sign of great things to come in my future, since I had such a rough past.  Some day I will make it and be a bright star.  I guess I am just learning how to redefine success.  My version will be different from the rest.  And I will be content alone again in life and work.  But some day I will make it and be a bright star.

Bright star in the sky.
A big bright star far away.
Welcome home bright star.
by: Anne Guzman

Bright Star

By John Keats 1795–1821 John Keats

Bright star, would I were stedfast as thou art—

         Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night

And watching, with eternal lids apart,

         Like nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,

The moving waters at their priestlike task

         Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,

Or gazing on the new soft-fallen mask

         Of snow upon the mountains and the moors—

No—yet still stedfast, still unchangeable,

         Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,

To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,

         Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,

Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,

And so live ever—or else swoon to death.

Make it Stop!

Make it stop.  make it stop... make it stop.

I'm so over this.  I'm done.  You're gone. 

Pain. Pain. Pain.

Okay.  What would be the best most healthy approach to this?  What would my Doctor tell me to do so I can get over this for once and for all and not have this burden all over myself.  I need to get healthy.  I am just so damn messed up in the head and body that I am no longer healthy.  Sometimes I wonder if I hit the PEAK OF PAIN!  Could more pain be out there for my little heart.  Could there be more.  You are gone, what is my next step.  I wasn't ready to be alone. 

Without you

I have to start the new year without you. 

Just like that, you are dead.  I don't have you in my life.  You are gone. I'm so lost. 

You're not in my life.  I was on such a healthy path and You messed up my world.  How do I go forward?